you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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