You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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