is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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