you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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