dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
