even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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