I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize