i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
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