so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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