i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
