The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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