We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize