He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
