I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
