the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
