new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
