omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
They should really pass out barf bags in church
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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