He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize