I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
