Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
