I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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