Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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