I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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