im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Can I color on your dick again?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
