He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
me + whiskey = a bad person
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
