i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
