You smell like a Billy Joel song
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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