Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
