I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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