Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
