omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
