Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
