i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Randomize
