alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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