You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
