When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize