Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
