when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
