there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
They took my balls.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
