a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
