did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize