i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
