hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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