I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
