I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
