hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
