If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
