I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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