I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
