Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize