I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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