i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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