Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
