Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
