I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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