it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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