Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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