I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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