I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I love having hate sex.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
